Why?

Why is it that bad things happen to good people?

Why is it that when we hear bad news, some people can cope better than others?


9 weeks ago, my best friend was diagnosed with a brain tumour, which we now know to be cancer. I won't deny that since then, I've been terrified. Of course, I don't tell her any of this. That's not going to help anything.

But what is one supposed to do when one's close friend is diagnosed with a cancer that often proves fatal? What is one supposed to do when one hears said friend discussing how they know it may kill them, and there is absolutely nothing that you can do or say to help them?

Sometimes the concept of it all is so overwhelming, I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't focus on any work - I haven't been able to do any decent work in 9 WEEKS. My grades are slipping, my ability to interact with others is taking a massive blow, my family are pissed at me, my friends are confused. IT'S SHIT.

That's more long term effects though, the insomnia and the lack of focus. Every now and again, I'll be sitting quietly, doing something mundane and everyday and it'll hit me, the severity of the situation. Because it's REAL, it's not Booth from Bones who'll hallucinate about seeing Stewie from Family Guy and then have an operation and come out hunky dory, it's TRULY, REALLY happening. And when I realise that, I can't breathe. My chest goes tight, my eyes prickle and I'm paralysed with fear.

And in the midst of it all, life goes on. Outside of the small circle of people who know, everyone else walks by, oblivious to the reality being faced by the 5 or so of us that know the whole story. And it's just WRONG to see everything else thrive in the face of such a debilitating prospect.

To top the whole thing off, my sisters have decided to up the game when it comes to insulting me, taking the most puerile and derisive forms of torment, greeting me every morning with "move it fatty, we're going to be late" or mimicking eating while I'm around. It's stupid, and it's meaningless, and yet it hurts so much. Little things like this get to me when they never, ever used to, and I HATE it.

Worst of all, I don't want to complain to anyone about what I'm feeling for two reasons:

1. I'm not the one with the problem, really, it's my friend. My reaction is surely an overreaction, and people are going to think I'm a wimp, and a selfish bitch for worrying about and feeling sorry for myself when I fall into black moods
2. As soon as I bring my inability to cope to the attention of staff at my school, it only gets worse - people who go to see the counsellor are called out of class, spoken to conspiratorially by teachers, looked at curiously by peers, parents are called etc. Nothing stays the same, and I want to show everyone that I can handle it, because if I can't deal with it and I'm not even the one with the problem, how the hell am I supposed to help my friend.

That being said, in theory, no one here reading this is a counsellor at my school. So, help me?